In the article, “The Hardest Word” written by Carlin Flora for the online magazine, Psychology Today, she claimed that the hardest word to utter is “No” and there is a lot of people who encounter this experience everyday. She provided different reasons on why many people find it hard to simply say, “No.” Indeed, it might be deemed to say, “No” than ‘Yes”, yet based on the various anecdotes provided in this article, it appeared that “No” is more elusive to hear than “yes.” Flora further reiterated that the inability of a person to make a strong refusal to a request results into many negative consequences to the individual who gives in to the favor.
Flora started by telling the various possible reason on why people find it difficult to refuse and simply say, “No.” First among this, and the most obvious answer is that people do not want to hurt other people’s feelings. This is especially true if the person requesting or asking for a favor is close to the individual. The event even becomes more complicated if the requestor is a boss of the person.
Indeed, if your boss asks you to remain at work instead of going home to do extra work without any overtime pay, it would be difficult to say, “No.” He is your boss and turning him down could even negatively impact your position in your job. Another example could be that of a sibling asking his younger sister to drive him to work. Rather than hurting the older sibling’s feelings, it would be better to simply give in to the demands.
Thus, it could also be said that based on the different accounts provided Flora about the people who find it hard to refuse other people’s requests, it appears that another reason why they simply could not pass up on a favor is that they want to avoid conflict.
Hence, this is not merely about making other people feel bad because of one’s refusal. It cannot be argued that a “No” could spiral into an explanation on why ‘No” is the answer, a persistent “Please” from the requestor, and a firm decline from the other party. This could result into a heated exchange. There have been multiple accounts of relationships deteriorating and bonds broken just because one person declined or was declined by the other.
On the other hand, Flora argued that people find it difficult to say, “No” because they were merely raised to be polite and helpful. This argument points better at conditions wherein the requesting party is of higher social class or in an authority over the other party. Take for example, an older relative making a request to a younger family member. Aunt asked her niece to bake a cake for her office’s annual party. It was a late notice request and the niece could take no orders anymore because of her tight schedule.
However, the requestor is her aunt, the sister of her mother. It would be impolite for her to decline her aunt even if it meant to push back the orders of her other clients. If she says, “No”, words may spread that she is an impolite niece and who who refused to help her aunt for the latter’s important event.
Another aspect that can taken from here is that the act of refusing does not merely impact the rejecting party. It should be noted that humans are social beings. They form bonds. They are part of bigger groups, like families. And belonging in a group is an important scope of what it is to be a social individual. More than the fact that one can be rejected, what is more fearful is to be brandished negatively.
Based on the previous example, if the niece says, No” to her aunt, the story may spread among their other family members. She could be trade branded with other inappropriate names and this could be present a negative image to her immediate family. Hence, what is worse is that it is not only her aunt who would get angry with her but also her mother and other close family members. As what could be take here, saying “No” presents a lot of other destructive consequences, not only to the person who has to reject, but also to the other people around the two parties.
However, according to Flora, people can actually say “No” easily if they would be able to present signals to the other person that they are not ready to take the request. Actually, one does not have to say explicitly the word, “No.” Subtle signals like facial expressions, seconds of apprehension answering, and even using the interjections, “Umm” and “Well…” are all it akes for the requesting party to understand that their request would not be heeded.
Flora did not further elaborate on this matter but what could be assumed here is that conflicts, arguments, and other misunderstandings could have been easily motivated if the two parties or individuals are able to properly communicate their emotions, albeit implicitly. One only has to use the mentioned subtle signals instead of saying directly, “No.” Meanwhile, the requesting party needs to be sensitive enough to easily and clearly understand that the person is signaling him that he will not and does not want to do the favor.
Indeed, it cannot be argued that humans are complex individuals. People can just directly and simply say what they want but because of the intricate workings of the human mind and the more complex relationships that we form with other people, we cannot just do and say what we feel and ought to. Instead, people need to utilize vague and sometimes a labyrinthine set of words, facial expressions, and body gestures just to communicate our emotions and desires—-all for the reasons that we are afraid to hurt other people’s feelings, the same way that we do not want others to say something bad about us.
It is all a give and take relationship, indeed. It is like, “I do something for you, as long as you do something for me.” Or what could be said as the more serious assumption here is that, “ I’ll do something for you, as long as you don’t do something bad to me.”
Another interesting point that Flora made in the article are the set of factors that engage a person to say, “No.” These are age, the type of group that one belongs to, and gender. Flora stated that the older a person is, the more likely that this person would say, “No.” An obvious reason for this is that age is equated with authority. The older the person is the more power that he or she has accumulated over the years. Thus, he/she has acquired more confidence to say, “No.”
However, it could be said that age also factors in the ability of individuals to refuse because they simply do not care anymore what other people are thinking about them. As people grow older, they have gained more life experiences and they have moved past the stage of trying to please other people or worrying that they might be hurting the feelings of others with their rejection.
Meanwhile, the issue of gender is a controversial aspect here. According to Flora, women are less likely to decline the requests of others as compared. She attributed this to the fact that women easily get judgments other the people around them. Flora was not able to fully explore this issue in detail; however, what can be assumed here is that women, amidst the fact that we are already living in the 21st century, still have to prove more.
Indeed, women’s liberation and gender equality have taken great strides in the past decades. Yet, it cannot be argued that the society’s notion that women have to prove more or are expected to please people more than what they expect from men remains to be true.
Furthermore, Flora has been able to connect the assumptions made in the article to facts and studies. For every assumption provided in the article, Flora would back it with a study conducted by a prestigious source. Hence, all claims presented by Flora in the article are not merely her personal opinion. She was able to support her claims; thus, every other supposition taken from the main issue are well-grounded.
The art of saying, “No” is more of an art of playing in the power relations. It could be said that this is more of a power struggle. The requesting party would not have made the request if he/she is not an authority over the other. Probably, the very reason he/she has made the request is because this person knows that the other party or individual will find it hard to decline.
More than playing with emotions, this arrangement is also about playing with power. For example, when the requesting party gives someone a deadline about making a decision of a request, it is like warning that person to make the decision fast. This gives pressure to the other party. Thus, what could be taken from this article is for people not to be afraid to assert themselves. It is high time for people to stop worrying about what others might say or what they might feel. In the end, the most important is one’s well-being. Being forced into a situation that one does not like is not healthy. Worse, being pressured to make a decision is nerve-wracking and can negatively impact the other aspects of life a person. There is nor harm in saying, “No.” Doing this is actually the secret to being more productive, successful, and leading a stress-free life.
Source:
Flora, C. (2017). “The hardest word.” Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201709/the-hardest-word?collection=1105674